Solomon Kane is a bleak, boring film. And it’s a damn shame too.

I was intrigued by the controversy of it not getting a wide release. Folks saw it (or clips of it) before its release and were wowed enough to clamor for it. From what I saw of the preview, it looked like fun.

Boy was I wrong! Basically, it rains and snows a lot on Solomon Kane. He walks or rolls around in mud a lot. He kills a ton of nameless mooks. He has a drawn-out and predictable religious crisis. There are a lot of shots in slow motion that extend the displeasure of watching him slog through bad weather and bleak scenery. When at last the movie ends, it provokes nothing but a feeling of relief.

It is a relentlessly downbeat film. The pacing is slow, the action predictable, and the soundtrack is plodding. It has, literally, a single mildly upbeat moment of humor wherein one character makes a sarcastic remark before yet another long battle scene liberally strewn with slow motion and spattered mud. The rest is a drab slog.

I wish I could say something more to recommend it, but honestly, I think you’re better off watching In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. And that’s a blunder of a film if there ever was one.

Having watched Solomon Kane, I completely understand why it didn’t get a wider release and why it’s still not for sale as a US DVD or blu ray. It’s a bad film. But it’s not SyFy-channel-schlocky bad; it’s a downer. If you’re a huge fan of the Solomon Kane stories by Robert E. Howard, I could understand you taking the time to see your dreams of a cool movie crushed, but I don’t recommend it.

Final Rating: DO NOT WATCH!